A Quick Update

It's been awhile since we've updated the blog.

Nothing has changed yet; we're still waiting.

The extra paperwork that was requested is at the Consulate of the Russian Federation in Ottawa waiting for processing. Once that is back we expect another 3 weeks before it makes it to the Ministry of Education in Russia.

We had thought we would be travelling right now (or preparing to), but unfortunately that hasn't happened.

I can't count the number of times we check our phones or emails during the day. I tend to loose count after 30 (no joke). We aren't sure how we will get the news, but we know it will come.

It's hard, waiting for someone else to make you a family, We saw little Halloween costumes in the store recently and it made us sad that another holiday season is approaching and we will still be waiting to be parents.

So as August ends, we start another month of hoping and wishing and waiting.


Let's hope September is more fruitful!

The Book

One thing that families do, when adopting from Russia, is make a photo book so the child can see pictures of the new Mama and Papa in between visits. We're told that the wonderful Nannies often read these to the children, so we certainly wanted to do it!

Some people use a small photo album, and some use a fabric photo album. There is no limit to the imagination that can go into them.

We took some time making them, and decided to use a printing service. With the help of a a Russian friend, E, we managed to get he book properly translated. Once we receive it in the male we will use a few stickers to add some texture to it (maybe on kitty pages).

We're thrilled with how it turned out, and decided we would share.

Warning: Many pics to follow!

 

The Great Paperchase!

We are sending another bunch of documents off to the agency this afternoon. We're hoping this will be the last bunch!

This batch included:

• Medical forms
• Criminal Record Checks
• National Fingerprint Search Results
• A letter from the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Nova Scotia verifying of Family Doctor's license.
• Money order for form legalization at the Embassy of The Russian Federation.

Almost there!

Q & A #4

This is by far the most asked question that I (Pam) receive from other women. I get it in person, on infertility websites and on private emails to this blog.

How did you know it was time/you were ready?

To me, this question holds a few meanings:

1. How did I know we were ready to adopt?
2. How did I know it was time to stop fertility treatments?
3. How did you know it was the right decision for you?

Well, I've answered it a few times, so I'll share with you a combination of those answers. This is my answer for my experience, not a general answer that will fit other people.

I grew up knowing I wanted to be a mom; not a doctor, lawyer or whatever, but a mommy and a wife. Everything else in my life has happened while I was working towards that goal.

However, I have been through hell to reach that goal; as have many people. Through it I have had to pause and re-think things. How much does fate/God/life have to put you through before you stop and wonder if parenthood is meant to be.

We paid our fertility bills out-of-pocket. We went through 2 IVFs and have had multiple pregnancy losses all while being technically unexplained (I have my theories though). It's hard, and it sucks.

It began to feel like we were taking too many chances, and with every loss the odds just kept getting lower and lower. The doctors and embryologists all said we make beautiful embryos, so the why and the how questions was going unanswered.

Infertility is a gruelling road, and I am sorry anyone needs to face it, ever. There are so many unintended pregnancies in this world that it feels unfair in a visceral and unwarranted way.

Adoption can be a long process. Only you know if you're ready to start an entirely different journey. It's like embarking on TTC (trying to conceive) or IVF for the first time all over again. Except this time you can take the time to prepare and repair yourself emotionally.

But, with that said, I'm adopted and I told Adam when we started dating that adoption had to be an option for us because it meant so much to me. Not every couple has considered adoption until there was a need, so there is nothing wrong with taking time. It really needs to be considered inside and out.

More than anything, you and your spouse need to be on the same page. You need to be in this together. Adoption proceedings bring up a lot of emotions, and you need to be ready for that. The home study portion of adoption goes into every private detail of your life, including the bedroom, and opens it up for discussion. If there are family issues, emotional issues, anything, you need to be able to deal with it to make it through the home study.

And the home study practitioner will always discuss, at length and great detail, infertility and miscarriage and the results therein

Adoption is not a replacement for a biological child. The child will not have your eyes, and will not have your husband's smile. They won't have a treasured family trait by nature (although may get it by nurture).

Depending on the route you take you may never have their heritage, medical background or entire story.

You need to truly be ready.

I knew I was ready to move to adoption when:

1. We realized we were ready to parent a child instead of have a baby.
2. We needed a happy ending. Gambling with my body is hard, and the uncertainty was too difficult.
3. The more I learned about it, the more inner-peace I found. 

As soon as we started the adoption process, I could feel a lot of my infertility anger melting away. I was getting excited again!

My bitterness became easier to deal with. I firmly believe that where there is jealousy there is bitterness. I rant less on a daily basis (I'm sorry you're having HOW MANY children while you complain about them on Facebook every damn day?!?).

I could be around parents again. I could be around children. I could take part in conversations that involved young ones.

Life became promising again.

So if you are wondering, this is really all I can tell you. It was time. I was ready.

Will we ever have a baby? Maybe. We don't rule it out, but right now it's not about that. It's about becoming parents. And that is what my life was meant for.

Q & A #3

Q: What about names? Will you change the(ir) name?

Yes . . . what about names? This is, by far, one of the questions we get asked most.

Our child will, obviously, already have a name. They would have received their name from 1 of 2 places: either their birth parents or from the State.

No matter where their name came from, it is a part of them and a part of their Russian heritage. We do not want to strip them of this sacred and wonderful thing.

Instead, we will choose a name to go with it, and depending on the child's personality and the name itself, we will figure out a way to honour both names.

Q: Do you have names picked out?   

Of course! We have a couple in mind for a son, and we think we may have narrowed down the name for a daughter. (Umm... I'm not sure I've actually said son or daughter before. That felt good!)

The final decision will depend on the name s/he already has and what we think is the best choice one we've met him or her.

We've looked through many traditional Russian names and feel we've come up with some great options. What's lovely is that popular names in Canada are trending towards Russian names, so we'll see what happens.

Q: So what if you like the name?

Of course there is a very real possibility that we will love the name. But there is more that goes into a decision like this than just preference.

One of the most amazing privileges of becoming parents is the ability to name your child. It bonds you. It welcomes the child to the family and it gives parents and children a sense of belonging to each other.

Our child, no matter who they are or where they were born, belongs with our family. When s/he comes home they will be with their forever family. They will become part of our family history and will carry on our family's traditions, recipes, stories, mannerisms and love.

For example, we have friends who have the family name Rose that they are considering (wink wink). Now, should they choose the name it will give their daughter a more direct link to her lineage. It will connect her in a way that nothing else can. Past generations will forever live on in her name.

Some people choose to start their own traditions with names. Some people choose family names, and others choose name that hold meaning for them. There are those that simply choose names they like.

Q: So will you share the names?

Not on this blog!

But one day we will introduce you to our child. I promise.

Sorry this is a little small!

From A Dear Friend and Fellow Adoptive Parent

Someone very dear to us sent us a link this weekend to this blog story. It is so well written and rings so true that I had to share.

As you read through it you'll notice some of it rings very true for us, and some may not. Yes, I am addicted to my email and it has served me well. Just ask my co-workers how many times per day I check my phone. Last count it was 50 for one day. And the obsession has served us well. We wouldn't have had such a swift response last week otherwise.

We're not sharing this because someone has offended us or upset us. We're sharing it because it's true. Many times we're told "I don't know how you do it," or "Wow, I couldn't do that." Well, here's a peak into our world.

dear friends of waiting adoptive moms: some things to know (also, we’re sorry)

 

1. Your friend is not crazy. (She is adopting.)

There is, I will admit, a fine line between those two but still it’s good to remember. The international adoption of a child requires enough paperwork to kill a small forest. And more governmental red tape than you can believe. Imagine your longest, most frustrating trip to the DMV. Now quadruple that, add in twelve more governmental agencies in two countries, and remember it’s not a driver’s license you’re waiting for but the final piece of paper that says this family you’re creating can finally, finally be together. Yeah. Not crazy. But close.

 

2. She loves a child she’s never met.

It’s possible. So possible. It’s irrational and crazy but it’s reality. Does she love them like she will once she gets to know them? No. But she loves them. She wakes up loving them and goes to sleep loving them. She drives to the grocery story and aches to have them safe and snug in the carseat waiting for them. She pushes her cart around the store and hears a child cry and her heart pounds wondering if her child is crying? Alone? Hungry? She might even have to leave an entire grocery cart full of food in the yogurt aisle to go home and cry because it just is too hard. Way too hard.

 

3. It’s difficult having your heart on the other side of the world.

To people on the outside they don’t look like our kids, on paper they might not be our kids yet. But in our hearts we love these children like they are and yet we’re not together. We’re moms without children. It’s an ache that doesn’t go away. It starts before we see their faces and only ends when they’re in our arms. So we walk about with half our heart missing. It’s hard to breathe, to think, to speak. Something always feels missing. Because they are.

 

4. She is addicted to her email.

It’s okay. This is a temporary condition and most make a full recovery. It can be diagnosed by refusal to allow separation from her smart phone, or glassy-eyed concentration as she clicks “refresh” over and over and over on her computer. Other signs may include: waking up in the middle of the night to check because it’s X time over there, and muttering aloud “must get home, must check for update, must get home” while out in public.

 

5. Her child has been through trauma.

If she’s like a lot of moms she won’t be advertising that fact everywhere because she respects her child’s privacy. But children don’t come to the place of needing a second family because they were placed in a cabbage patch by unicorns and leprechauns. Adoption comes from loss. Loss she will see in her child’s eyes and in their heart. Loss that as a mama can make your soul curl up in a ball for an ugly cry. So don’t tell her the kids are lucky. You wouldn’t tell a person who lost an arm that they’re lucky to have a prosthetic one would you? I mean yeah, they are lucky to have that replacement. But you know what would be luckier? Not losing that arm in the first place. So please be understanding. 

Also, maybe instead of asking for her child’s story outright ask “are you sharing about his history before you?” That gives her a chance to either answer you or bow out graciously.

 

6. Adoption isn’t pregnancy.

It just isn’t. Well, it is in that at the end of it the hope is to have a new son or daughter in your arms. But I’ve yet to meet a pregnant woman who wonders how old her child will be upon entry into the family. Adoption is different. There is no due date for us. Let that sink in. No due date. And even given preemies and late arrivals with the baby by stork method you have a narrow months-long window of time in which the baby will arrive. That brings us to point number seven.

 

7. She probably doesn’t know when the child is coming home.

And she has probably been asked this approximately twelve times that day. Because you, her awesome friends, care about her! (And also you secretly worry she’s going a little nuts, see point #1.) And I get it. It’s hard with adoption because you don’t know what to ask. I feel that way with pregnant ladies, like what am I supposed to say? “Your ankles really don’t look that bad do they?” 

Recently I learned the always safe phrase “you look great – how is baby doing?”, the adoption equivalent is “I know you must miss your kiddos, how is the adoption going?” Or, if you don’t have time to have her break down and cry all over you try the even safer “can I see your latest update pictures?” and then ooh and aww over their cute faces. Even if the pictures are horrible say something positive. I mean I don’t tell people that their sonogram pictures sometimes look like aliens made of bread dough.

 

8. She isn’t sure they’re coming home.

This is the part of the adoption process that makes you want to crawl under your bed and not come out until it’s safe again. This is the part that tears you soul in two. This is the part that you wake up in the morning remembering and going to bed at night fearing. Because there are no guarantees. And that’s hard. No, not hard. It’s gut-wrenching. It’s not just the fear that your child might die before having a family, it’s that this child you love with every ounce of your being might grow up in an orphanage, on the streets, or worse.

 

9. Your friend is kind of stupid.

I know. That’s harsh. But it’s true. You try operating on a daily basis with only half your heart and half your brain, because that’s what it’s like. ‘Cause they other half of you is wrapped up in a tiny person who is half a world and what feels like a lifetime away. Also, because of the time zone difference it means that half of you is awake pretty much all the time.

 

10. She doesn’t need to hear your HAS (horrible adoption stories.)

Yes, I know, everyone knows of someone’s uncle’s neighbor who adopted a child and then the child burned down the school with the power of her mind after her classmates dumped a bucket of pigs blood on her. (Oh wait, that’s the storyline of “Carrie” isn’t it?) But sharing these stories are the equivalent of telling someone hopping in a plane for their first sky-diving session “I watched this video on youtube where a guy skydived. He died. And his body was all smashed and stuff.” Maybe it’s true but it’s also not overly helpful. Unless you’re the kind of person who also goes up to pregnant woman and says “I read a book about this lady who got pregnant one time, she gave birth to a kid who became a serial killer and sewed a suit of clothes out of his victims skin. (Shoot, that’s the storyline of “Hannibal” isn’t it? Well, I tried.)
Do “Adoptive Kids” sometimes grow up and do horrible thing? Yep. You know who else grows up and does horrible things? “Vaginal kids.” So really, the warning should be more along these lines: “You’re going to be a parent huh? Good luck with that.”

 

11. She has probably done her research

Don’t assume she’s going into this because of a driving urge to be mistaken for Angelina Jolie. Unless she is also demanding everyone call her husband “Brad” it probably comes from some deeper place. Or you know, her husband’s name really IS Brad. Chances are she’s read books on adoptive parenting, has agonized for hours over which adoption agency to choose from. Made a decision. Then agonized some more. She’s thought about the ethical questions. And if you don’t think she has then maybe ask. “How did you pick your agency?” “What led you to X country?”

 

12. She looks brave on the outside, she’s brave on the inside too. But she’s also a mess

Which, I think is what mothering and loving is all about. Being a mess. Throwing your love out there and not knowing if you’re ever going to get it back. It’s scary. It’s vulnerable. It feels like you can’t breathe and when you can it hurts to do it. And you don’t want to complain about that because you picked it. So you pick up the pieces of your heart and you keep going. You keep going because at the end of the day what you go through as an adoptive mother is nothing compared to what children go through when they live their life without family. And that’s what this journey is all about.

Shopping, Shopping, Me-Oh-My!

It's a long weekend here in Canada, and it's the first one Adam and I have had off together in a long while. So, with that said, I took today to go shopping with another woman who is an expectant parent.

Prior to going, I was naive enough to think that there wasn't much left to buy until we knew the gender and age of our child. Boy, was I wrong. I bought a lot of great stuff and feel all the more prepared for our Little One.

Enjoy the photos!

Now let's take a closer look at all the awesome finds!

This is our new owl set (each sold separately ofcourse). 

The biggest one is a wheeled child-sized suitcase.

The smaller one on the left is an insulated lunch bag, which will come in handy for all the delicious and nutritious things we'll be keeping on hand for our little sweetheart.

The one on the right is a small knapsack with a harness/tether so the Little One can keep their prized possessions close and so can we.

These are 2 little gel packs that you keep in the fridge or freezer and use to keep things cold in a lunch bag. So cute!

Might I add that it's fun to buy child-sized versions of things?

These are bibs with sleeves. While they are cute they are also easy to clean, practical and will fold up to a very small size.

Some great, and matching, eating utensils from Skip-Hop. I'm learning that I love Skip-Hop - they seem to have great stuff.

Some Snack-Traps. I've been told by many mothers that these are great and a must-have for toddlers. The covers control how much food can be taken out at one time, and if they tip over it doesn't spill all the contents.

See?

This is actually blue, so I'm not sure what my camera did to it.

It goes on the tub water fixture. It causes the flowing water to flow out away from the faucet in a softer stream. (Pictured below)
 

The little button that the girl is pressing releases bubble bath into the stream. How fun!

More bath toys!

You can never have too many washcloths. We're getting the infant ones as they are generally softer.

Another crib sheet. Nothing to make a fuss about until you look at the wording:

You may recognize this owl from pictures in previous posts. We now have 3. Yes, 3.

We will leave one with our child on our first trip. On the second we will take another one with us in case something happened to the first (misplaced, taken by a more dominant child, lost, damaged). And finally we will have an all-out spare. 

I have been looking for this Doll Carrier for months.

I am a huge proponent of baby/child wearing. I fully believe it helps the attachment and bonding of a parent and child. 

We are planning to wear our child in a carrier, and as a way for Little One to emulate us.

Just big enough for a stuffie.

Also, it's gender neutral, which is hard to find. You can find them for either gender, but to get a neutral one is difficult. There is also an adult version of this same one that we may get, depending on how it fits, it's safety rating, and it's weight and size limit.

And it had lots of straps.

Decals for the walls :)

More decals!

And ofcourse, something for Mommy.

A Few More Pieces Of Paper

Yesterday we got an email from our agency.

Our file has been reviewed by the Ministry in Russia and they've asked for a couple more things.

      1. The social worker we used for our home study is part of a 2-social worker company. Each social worker needs to have a copy of their license sent to Russia, as well as a letter from the province validating their position of trust. We provided this as part of the original paperwork.

However, much of the home study paperwork was written on the company letterhead so we've been asked to provide a letter from the province validating the company itself. No big deal - we had it in 24 hours from the Department of Community Services. They really went all out to get it quickly for us.

      2. Part of the legal agreement between Russia and the adoptive parents is that the parents agree to provide post-placement reports at certain intervals for, what was, 2 years. We are happy to do this and have already signed paperwork to say we will.

However, a change is now in place that will require the post-placement reports for 3 years instead of 2. No big deal, we're happy to do it. Just need to sign another paper, have it notarized and sent off to be processed.

So something happened - yea!

To me I interpret this as great news. It means that the person who has our file has gone through it piece by piece and determined that it's almost perfect and hopefully it means they'll be keeping us in mind while reviewing the children's profiles. And finding the right match really soon.

Fingers crossed.