The Language of Adoption

The pen is mightier than the sword.

                           ~ Edward Bulwer-Lytton

For the word . . . is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.
                                                                                                            ~ Hebrews 4:12

The limits of my language means the limits of my world.

                                                                ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein 

Without knowing the force of words, it is impossible to know more.

                                                                                                 ~ Confucius 

Language. It's an odd thing; a powerful thing. Language allows us to communicate our most basic of needs and to convey the secrets of our hearts.

Language can bring people together or drive them apart. 

Language can heal, can hurt and can isolate.

But what is language? Is it the words we use? The way we pronounce things? Is it what separates nations?

How does communication differ from language? What we say isn't always what we mean. What someone hears isn't always what was said.

• To Tell
• To Say
• To Hint
• To Accuse
• To Infer
• To Imply
• To Interpret
• To Translate

 

Consider all of these terms, with no mention of emotion, and the effects that emotions have on language.

 

The words we use often mean more than we realize. What comes out of our mouth isn't necessarily what goes in another's ear.

 

Adoption language is no different. What is said isn't what is necessarily heard. What is intended isn't necessarily what was said. The words you use need to be the right ones, because what they imply can do more damage than you can ever correct.

 

You can never unhear something. Ever.

 

Ever.

 

So we need to learn positive adoption language. We need to educate ourselves about how not to hurt someone about the fundamentals of who they are, where they come from, and how they got there.

 

Consider this: as someone who grew up in an adoptive situation, I was often asked where my real mom was. 

 

What is a real mom? Isn't it the person that tucks you in at night, scares away the Boogy-Man, cares for you every day and holds you when you cry?

In this case it was meant as the biological mother. 

 

Well, sure, yeah, that's what they meant. No need to be so sensitive right? I know what they were really asking. 

 

Wrong.

 

What do you think that taught me as a child? How do you think those words affected my Adoptive Mother? Honestly, it was like a pointed slap in the face. Every. Single. Time.

 

I do not want the same painful words to be used for our child. Because what it teaches, on the most basic level, is that you don't really belong.

 

Situation: As a child there were 2 ways I was introduced to people. Mom and Dad would refer to me as their youngest. Their son would call me their cousin.

As an adult what that tells me as there was a lot of emotional issues that were never dealt with, that needed to be talked about, and that needed to be resolved. As a child that told me that I didn't really belong there.

 

Granted, these are extreme examples, but it doesn't take the extreme to do damage.

 

(Not to worry, I have moved past these things in my life, but it's something we will try to spare our child.)

To that end, I invite you to read up on the topic and to educate yourselves. We want to give you some guidance for positive adoption language, but ultimately we cannot control what language you use. 

 

I know that those people who are closest to us want to do everything they can to shower our LO with love, acceptance and goodness. So here are some tips to get you started!