Blast From The Past

A Poem

Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women who never knew each other..

One you do not remember, the other you call mother.

Two different lives, shaped to make Your one...

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first gave you life and the second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love, and the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.

One gave you a seed of talent, the other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.

One gave you up ... that's all she could do.

The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me, through your fears,

the age old question unanswered throughout the years...

Heredity or environment .. Which are you the product of..

Neither, my darling .. neither.. just two different kinds of love.

              

                                                                        ~ Author Unknown ~

The Language of Adoption

The pen is mightier than the sword.

                           ~ Edward Bulwer-Lytton

For the word . . . is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.
                                                                                                            ~ Hebrews 4:12

The limits of my language means the limits of my world.

                                                                ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein 

Without knowing the force of words, it is impossible to know more.

                                                                                                 ~ Confucius 

Language. It's an odd thing; a powerful thing. Language allows us to communicate our most basic of needs and to convey the secrets of our hearts.

Language can bring people together or drive them apart. 

Language can heal, can hurt and can isolate.

But what is language? Is it the words we use? The way we pronounce things? Is it what separates nations?

How does communication differ from language? What we say isn't always what we mean. What someone hears isn't always what was said.

• To Tell
• To Say
• To Hint
• To Accuse
• To Infer
• To Imply
• To Interpret
• To Translate

 

Consider all of these terms, with no mention of emotion, and the effects that emotions have on language.

 

The words we use often mean more than we realize. What comes out of our mouth isn't necessarily what goes in another's ear.

 

Adoption language is no different. What is said isn't what is necessarily heard. What is intended isn't necessarily what was said. The words you use need to be the right ones, because what they imply can do more damage than you can ever correct.

 

You can never unhear something. Ever.

 

Ever.

 

So we need to learn positive adoption language. We need to educate ourselves about how not to hurt someone about the fundamentals of who they are, where they come from, and how they got there.

 

Consider this: as someone who grew up in an adoptive situation, I was often asked where my real mom was. 

 

What is a real mom? Isn't it the person that tucks you in at night, scares away the Boogy-Man, cares for you every day and holds you when you cry?

In this case it was meant as the biological mother. 

 

Well, sure, yeah, that's what they meant. No need to be so sensitive right? I know what they were really asking. 

 

Wrong.

 

What do you think that taught me as a child? How do you think those words affected my Adoptive Mother? Honestly, it was like a pointed slap in the face. Every. Single. Time.

 

I do not want the same painful words to be used for our child. Because what it teaches, on the most basic level, is that you don't really belong.

 

Situation: As a child there were 2 ways I was introduced to people. Mom and Dad would refer to me as their youngest. Their son would call me their cousin.

As an adult what that tells me as there was a lot of emotional issues that were never dealt with, that needed to be talked about, and that needed to be resolved. As a child that told me that I didn't really belong there.

 

Granted, these are extreme examples, but it doesn't take the extreme to do damage.

 

(Not to worry, I have moved past these things in my life, but it's something we will try to spare our child.)

To that end, I invite you to read up on the topic and to educate yourselves. We want to give you some guidance for positive adoption language, but ultimately we cannot control what language you use. 

 

I know that those people who are closest to us want to do everything they can to shower our LO with love, acceptance and goodness. So here are some tips to get you started!

The Next Set of Paperwork

So, in the excitement of this past weekend, Adam was battling the flu. Sunday (aka Crib Day!) he was feeling much better.

Then, in the middle of the night, I woke up sick. Then he did. Then we both had to call in sick. And it seems to be a very mean flu.

While I know that every person in the world gets sick, I wonder how I could possibly feel like this (or he could) and still care for a Little One. Parents - how do you do it? What are your tips? When  you feel like someone has been running a lawn mower through your throat, you're dizzy every time you move and things are generally flu-y, how do you take care of someone else?

Obviously I know that you do. You just do what needs doing and get through the moment. But you deserve a medal.

However, there are still emails to returned from the comfort of a pillow on the sofa - and today we made an appointment to start on the region-specific paperwork.

One of the requirements for Vladivostok is a psychological adoption assessment. Today I made an appointment with a psychologist for the assessment, only to learn that it's nearly a 4 week process. Yikes! The lady I spoke to was very nice and agreed to try and have it done by the end of March, so now I hope it will be the longest portion and everything else will be 100% ready to move forward.

So a lot of people have asked  us what the next step is. We're still trying to figure out the specifics, but right now it's a focus for paperwork, and then our completed dossier moves on. Where, and in what order, I'm not entirely sure (I'm working on it) but in the end the dossier will end up in Vladivostok - translated and registered and waiting for a referral. Feel free to take a look at our Process Overview page for a general outline.

I'm getting anxious!

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On another note, remember our Guest Blogger, Candice? I'm happy to report that she is in Russia right now, awaiting her adoption hearing. Everything has gone very well and we are sending her our best wishes!

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Another lady we met at our International Adoption Training (link to post here and here) is also in Russia to meet her Little One. We are thinking of her and send our best!

 

We Waited A Long Time For One Of These!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I say that's an understatement.

Adam and I have waited a very long time to be able to buy a crib. Well this weekend we finally did, and it felt glorious!

On our shopping excursion we bought and/or ordered everything in our last post. The crib was in stock in the back of the warehouse so we had someone pick it up and deliver it to us today. We'll be including the crib while taking some more photos of the room to submit for Russia. The rest of the order will be in in 6-8 weeks.

So, as when waiting for anything to be delivered, there was hours of waiting! As you can see, we were growing impatient.

But eventually it came! And because the delivery company didn't actually bring their debit machine, and didn't want to take a cheque or wait, we got a discount for the cash we had on hand (about $10 off the cost).

And then came time to work. And by work I  mean Adam putting it together and me taking pictures. It's a big occasion after all!

And since we already have a general layout in mind for LO's room, we had it all cleared out and ready to go.

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's off to work he goes . . .

It's a divine colour and quality! Eek so exciting!

Back to work!

Ahhhhhhh!

It's coming together!

The Finished Product

How Awesome Is This??

How awesome! The Kremlin in our LO's room!

 

We're Going To . . . .

Vladivostok!

Today we got news from our agency - we'll be registering and adopting from Vladivostok! (Affectionately known to be nicknamed Vlad).

Vlad is a city of approx. 600,000 people in the province of Primorsky Krai in Russia. It is the home of Russia's Pacific Fleet and is cradled between China, North Korea and Japan.

Until the 1970's Vlad was closed to foreigners as it was closed during the Soviet era. So we get to go see this wonderful place where not many Canadians have gone!

Vlad is remarkably like Halifax. It's on somewhat of a peninsula, home of a navy fleet, and one of the main industries is fishing. It's almost exactly on the other side of the world and the climate/weather/temperature is pretty close to what it is here. Perhaps it's kismet?

And yes, it's in Siberia. In fact, it's the eastern starting point of the Trans-Siberian Railway (highlighted in blue).

It's a wonderful feeling to know that our child is there. Since our child would be at least 9 months old before being added to the international registry, s/he is likely there right. this. minute.

That's a very heart-warming and comforting thought.

So Adam and I are over the moon happy right now, and cannot be more excited.

(To be honest, I kind of thought in the back of my mind that that might be where we go - I'm really pleased!)

So this is great news!

Next Steps

So we have a few paperwork adjustments to make, and then we will be working on the region-specific paperwork.

Celebrate!!

So how do we celebrate such a monumental moment in our adoption journey? Why we shop, of course!

We love the pieces we picked out. They are Espresso and from Babies R Us. We'll have to hold tight on decorating until we find out boy/girl.

The crib converts to a toddler bed, day bed (no safety rail) and a double bed.