How did you know it was time/you were ready?
To me, this question holds a few meanings:
- How did I know we were ready to adopt?
- How did I know it was time to stop fertility treatments?
- How did you know it was the right decision for you?
I grew up knowing I wanted to be a mom; not a doctor, lawyer or whatever, but a mommy and a wife. Everything else in my life has happened while I was working towards that goal.
However, I have been through hell to reach that goal; as have many people. Through it I have had to pause and re-think things. How much does fate/God/life have to put you through before you stop and wonder if parenthood is meant to be.
We paid our fertility bills out-of-pocket. We went through 2 IVFs and have had multiple pregnancy losses all while being technically unexplained (I have my theories though). It's hard, and it sucks.
It began to feel like we were taking too many chances, and with every loss the odds just kept getting lower and lower. The doctors and embryologists all said we make beautiful embryos, so the why and the how questions was going unanswered.
Infertility is a gruelling road, and I am sorry anyone needs to face it, ever. There are so many unintended pregnancies in this world that it feels unfair in a visceral and unwarranted way.
Adoption can be a long process. Only you know if you're ready to start an entirely different journey. It's like embarking on TTC (trying to conceive) or IVF for the first time all over again. Except this time you can take the time to prepare and repair yourself emotionally.
But, with that said, I'm adopted and I told Adam when we started dating that adoption had to be an option for us because it meant so much to me. Not every couple has considered adoption until there was a need, so there is nothing wrong with taking time. It really needs to be considered inside and out.
More than anything, you and your spouse need to be on the same page. You need to be in this together. Adoption proceedings bring up a lot of emotions, and you need to be ready for that. The home study portion of adoption goes into every private detail of your life, including the bedroom, and opens it up for discussion. If there are family issues, emotional issues, anything, you need to be able to deal with it to make it through the home study.
And the home study practitioner will always discuss, at length and great detail, infertility and miscarriage and the results therein
Adoption is not a replacement for a biological child. The child will not have your eyes, and will not have your husband's smile. They won't have a treasured family trait by nature (although may get it by nurture).
Depending on the route you take you may never have their heritage, medical background or entire story.
You need to truly be ready.
I knew I was ready to move to adoption when:
- We realized we were ready to parent a child instead of have a baby.
- We needed a happy ending. Gambling with my body is hard, and the uncertainty was too difficult.
- The more I learned about it, the more inner-peace I found.
As soon as we started the adoption process, I could feel a lot of my infertility anger melting away. I was getting excited again!
My bitterness became easier to deal with. I firmly believe that where there is jealousy there is bitterness. I rant less on a daily basis (I'm sorry you're having HOW MANY children while you complain about them on Facebook every damn day?!?).
I could be around parents again. I could be around children. I could take part in conversations that involved young ones.
Life became promising again.
So if you are wondering, this is really all I can tell you. It was time. I was ready.
Will we ever have a baby? Maybe. We don't rule it out, but right now it's not about that. It's about becoming parents. And that is what my life was meant for.
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